You’ve been there since day one.
The day I was born, I can assume you held me and said, “welcome to the world, my son.”
To this day you’ve been there for when I’ve hurt and cried.
But for some reason on the inside, it’s felt like you’ve never been by my side.
The day you told me those 7 words, it made me feel so little.
Everyday, I would walk around this world so broken and brittle.
Those words go through my head again and again and again and again and again and again and again.
It doesn’t stop. It’ll never stop.
Whenever I hear those words in my head it always makes my heart drop.
Those words rip at my insides, destroying me from the inside out.
It fucked with my head enough to make me think killing myself was the only route.
And so that’s what I did.
At this point, it felt like he wasn’t my father, nor that I wasn’t even his son.
The relationship we had. It had barely started, then it was already done.
We went to the therapist together.
Hoping that things would get better.
Hoping that things in my head will change
Hoping that things between us wouldn’t be estrange.
But it didn’t help.
Growing up feeling like this should never happen.
The feeling of withdrawal.
The feeling of abstinence.
The feeling of lonesome.
The feeling of you never being by my side.
All I wanted was my dad, but it feels like that’s something you wouldn’t be able to provide.
Although I don’t blame all of this on you
Because part of it is my fault too.
I never took the step to help make things better.
And I wish I did.
If we both took the step to change things would have been a lot easier for me as a kid.
I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you hurt.
I’m just really glad you’re here with me and not under six feet of dirt.
As much as not having you more in my life ruins me
I’ve come to enjoy what we have and just let things be.
You will forever have a place in my heart
Because you’ve been there with me from the start.
I love you, dad."Jake Robicheau (via newenglandhardcore)